Should You Sleep with Him? 3 Question to Ask Yourself Before Sex Feat. Dr. John Gray I Mat Boggs
# Is now the right time to sleep with him?
Today I’m gonna share with you three questions you want to ask yourself before sex, check it out.
## Emotional and Sexual Pacing
Hey there, my name’s Mat Boggs, and I’m the founder of the Love & Relationship Division here at the Brave Thinking Institute, where our mission is empowering people to create and live a life they love. And that includes your love life, so if you like this video, I encourage you to click that subscribe button and click that little bell, because every week we bring you videos to empower you in your love life.
Today we’re talking about when to sleep together, and specifically, how can you know that it’s the right time to sleep with the guy that you’re dating? Ultimately, you are the highest authority, there is no right or no wrong, I’m just gonna give you some guidelines so that when you do make this decision for yourself, you can feel aligned, you can feel congruent, you can feel really good about the decision you’ve made. Because there is one thing that you cannot undo in a relationship, is once you cross that sex line, you can’t uncross it. And in my experience, having sex with another human being is one of the most profound relationship changers that there is. There’s like for some reason, the relationship shifts at that moment, there’s something that’s forever different about the relationship when you have sex.
There’s a concept called sexual and emotional pacing, that you have an emotional pace to the relationship, and you’re getting closer emotionally, you have a sexual pace to the relationship, where you’re able to get closer sexually. The idea here is to keep those in balance, and to keep the emotional pacing slightly ahead of the sexual pace. In other words, if you get physically naked with one another way before you’ve been emotionally naked, it tends to throw the relationship off balance, it can actually lead to a deterioration of emotional connection.
## Dr. John Gray’s Explanation
I had the privilege of having Dr. John Gray, bestselling author, one of the top relationship therapists on the planet, in a class that I was teaching for my Manifest Your Man students, and he had a great explanation as to why this happens, check this out.
« The key here is on a date, for example, just as a general principal for dating, never have sex with a man until you can be naked mentally, naked emotionally, then naked physically. Otherwise you will feel unable to bond, or bond too much. What happens for a man, this one of those things I’m sure Matt’s explained it to you, but if he has sex with you and he hasn’t bonded with you emotionally or mentally, he’s just in his sex energy. After sex, it’s gone, there’s nothing there, and because the energy didn’t come back through the bonding. See, when I make love to my wife, I’m talking in the past, but when I make love to my wife, she’s still present with me, when I make love to my wife, my sexual energy goes to her, but what happens is it comes back. That energy goes to her because she enjoys it, she loves me, she cares about me, it comes right back to me. When men just have sex without love, without mental compatibility, the energy doesn’t come back and they feel empty. And so what they do is they pull away, and to a certain extent, they like you less. They can overcome that, you know these are all things can be overcome, but just understand why often you’re with a man you got intimate with him and he didn’t call you back. And you’re kinda, « What happened? » I was just counseling a woman who, she’s dating a man, and they finally got together, they had a week or two weeks together, they were in different cities, it was the most romantic experience she’s ever had. They got naked, and he just didn’t call her back, done, over, what happened? So to understand this mystery, ’cause everything was wonderful, what happened is, they hadn’t yet bonded enough mentally, emotionally, then physically. And part of, for her, ’cause they did have wonderful time together, is she didn’t bond deep in her feelings. You can be surface and smiling and be playful and whatever, but there’s a depth to every person, and to have a lasting love, a woman’s job is to find that depth, the man’s job is to respect that depth. Often women say, « Oh, he’s emotionally unavailable. » My experience is, she’s emotionally unavailable. This is 50 years of experience. Now she can be emotional, I’m unhappy or whatever, but she’s not able to penetrate into the deeper levels of who she is. And I just explain what those deeper levels are, and underneath that is a clarity of what I wish and what I want and what I need. »
So your ability to penetrate to the deeper layers of your own emotions and be emotionally naked and mentally naked, even spiritually naked with this man before you’re physically naked, help that relationship be in balance, and give it the best possible path to being a long-lasting relationship.
## Three Questions to Ask Yourself
So what are the three questions you wanna ask yourself to know if now’s the right time to have sex? Well, number one is, have I been emotionally naked with him? Number two, have I been mentally naked with him? And number three, and you want yeses to those two questions, clearly, number three is, what’s required for the status of the relationship in order for us to sleep together? Now here’s what’s cool, there’s no right answer to this. You are the highest authority, you get to decide. Some of my clients, they wanna wait till marriage, others of my clients, they’re just coming out of a marriage and finally getting back into dating, and they’re like, « I just want to have a good time. I’m in my 50s or 60s, and I’m ready to party. » It doesn’t matter, you are the highest authority. But once you decide what does the status of the relationship need to be in order to have sex with him, committed, emotional, in love, whatever it is, then you wanna communicate that to him, and then you wanna let him demonstrate that to you. It’s not just a verbal agreement, « Oh yeah, I want the same thing too. Well let’s get committed then, and let’s have sex tonight. » (laughs) ‘Cause some guys will say that, right? Just to be able to hook up. No, he’s gotta demonstrate that to earn that place and that quality of relationship with you before then you engaging in sex.
Make sure that that’s the order, and if you do, if you set things up this way, I promise you, it will always leave you feeling good about the decision you made, feeling confident and secure.
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